January 16, 2020
Domenica Carrese, Dr. Stephanie’s intern, is offering six free therapy sessions for three new clients on Mondays. These sessions are only available on Mondays between the hours of 10:00 am – 3:00 pm. The first three clients who request an appointment with Domenica on Mondays between 10:00 am and 3:00 pm will be accepted.
To request an appointment, please go to the scheduling link and put a note in the appointment request that you are seeking to be one of her clients approved for 6 free therapy sessions. The scheduling link is at www.therapyportal.com/p/drstephanie/
January 13, 2020
Let’s talk a little bit about sibling rivalry and other such problems … BECAUSE the positive or negative influence that siblings can have on one another is sooooo powerful. Last week, I had several adult clients all in the same few days who were working on some self-repair as a result of sibling challenges. Each of these clients needed to improve confidence and reduce emotions of anger, self-judgment, and sadness due to siblings mistreating them in some way as a child and in some cases continuing into adulthood!
If you have had a negative or difficult relationship with a sibling, the symptoms you are having and the pain you are feeling should not be minimized or underestimated…
For one thing, people spend a lot of waking hours with their brothers and sisters while growing up. I have heard countless stories of people over the years who were molested, hit, teased incessantly, tied up, locked in closets and more… the stories are endless and as varied as the families that people come from! Not to mention the fact that in some families, one form of intergenerational emotional abuse includes parents showing a lot more favoritism, time, or attention towards one child while neglecting the needs of other children.
I have witnessed firsthand how much older siblings have power over younger brothers and sisters. By observing the interactions of my own children with one another (not to mention I have also observed neighbor kids, nieces and nephews, and my clients)… I have decided that these relationships are nearly as important as a parent-child relationship. After all, younger brothers and sisters are almost always seeking the approval and attention of an older sibling. An older sibling is ultra-cool in the younger child’s eyes. In some cases, an older sister or brother will consciously or unconsciously use the power of merely being an ultra-cool older child to their advantage.
Even my own kids just had a fight last Wednesday evening and they are almost 9 years apart! I will spare you the most of the details. But suffice it to say that younger siblings do provoke older siblings as well. And when that happens a 17-year-old can revert to acting like they are 10 years old to get revenge quickly! LOL.
So, given all this information what do you do about sibling rivalry if you are a parent or a caretaker?
You must help even out the playing field, plain and simple!!! A lot of parents and other caregivers tell children to work out problems on their own. I completely disagree with this hands-off philosophy. Children need you to know what is going on with some of their interactions and to intervene when there is conflict and provocation! If you are not spending at least some time each week intervening in sibling conflict, you are likely not doing enough to prevent possible long-term problems.
When there is some type of fight that breaks out, I recommend taking the time to listen to each child separately and then implementing consequences for problematic behavior. Younger children need to be held accountable for provoking older siblings. Older siblings need to be held accountable for talking down to younger siblings or for repeatedly ignoring them instead of sometimes giving them attention or praise. In almost all cases where people are emotion allyharmed by siblings, it was because caregivers either showed a lot of favoritism to one child OR because the caregivers had a hands-off approach to ongoing rivalries.
In my own family (see a picture of myself with my brothers and sisters below), I was the oldest of five. I recall some serious consequences when my mother found out I was not being kind to my younger sister. She also made a lot of attempts to try to keep things fair between us. This was good leadership, and I am thankful that she intervened to help us have closer relationships!
If you are making a lot of attempts to be fair and to intervene, then you are more likely to help your children create loving and long-term friendships with their siblings, keeping your family healthier and happier!
If you need help with sibling rivalry in your family … or to heal memories with a sibling that were painful for you, please reach out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates today.
December 23, 2019
If you need to meet with a therapist this holiday season, we have some appointments available on Christmas Eve and between December 26 – January 2.
To request an appointment, you can easily go to our Online Scheduling Link or call our office at 301-490-1011.
It is common for people to have increased feelings of sadness and grief at this time of the year, so do not hesitate to check your therapist’s availability or to work with a new or different therapist for a listening ear or support!
December 3, 2019
This holiday season, I have much to be thankful for. A healthy family, loving parents (not everyone has that), and a growing business.
On Thanksgiving Day, I was surprised at how many clients took a minute to send me a message thanking me for my commitment to helping them feel better emotionally. Warmed my heart. All my clients are important to me, and I have a very special job helping people’s lives to improve and in some cases for their relationships to heal!
Upon reflection, I am just very thankful not only for my clients, but for my business growth and ability to service more clients, giving more love and healing… Around our family’s Thanksgiving table, we each reflected upon what we are thankful as well as what we appreciate about each other. In that vein, I want to share what I am thankful for regarding my work team and therapist associates.
Yes, I am thankful for my business team…
My daughter Rachel has been crushing it this year! She has taken over nearly all the financial aspects of my Relationship Repair Shop brand, becoming its first CFO 🙂 This was no small order since we added four new locations and tripled our client base during 2019! Rachel is getting ready to graduate in May with a degree in Economics and Business from the University of Maryland.
Did you know we have recently added three new associates?
- Tristin Malone is accepting new clients in Upper Marlboro
- Rolonda Williams is accepting new clients, primarily at the Maple Lawn office
- Darrius Humphrey is accepting new clients, primarily at the Laurel office
I am excited to see how each of these new therapists will develop themselves and their career during the coming year!
Now for my therapists who have been working with me during the past year, I am thankful for you also… each of you have special gifts and add to our practice team in different ways.
Tyra Berger grew almost a full-time practice in Upper Marlboro this year! She has done more training and work specializing in Couples Therapy and she is quick to get things done. Tyra is always pleasant and helps other team members with questions. She is calmer than my Type A personality and might be the yin to my yang here at the Laurel office…which I appreciate about her.
Gail Bowles has grown a busy client base in Annapolis, with a focus on helping individual clients with resolving grief and relationship problems. Gail has taken the initiative to become a PREPARE facilitator and she is our Imago specialist. Gail is just wonderful at making clients feel hopeful, special, and cared for. She is patient and takes the time to listen … she is especially good at answering the phone with care and compassion.
Krista Zerby started her new practice in Pikesville after graduating and getting her license this fall. She does a remarkable job working with children, individuals with mood disorders, and helping couples to resolve conflict. Krista is very detail-oriented with her work, which is much appreciated – and I can always have a good laugh with Krista.
Terrie Tyrie started in Maple Lawn this spring, can’t believe she has a pretty full client base over at Capital Women’s Care, where we just started a collaboration earlier this year. Terrie was very instrumental with developing methods for responding to new client leads this year and has been helping to train some of our new therapists.
Chana Johnson finished out her internship and completed her licensure this year, then started up one of our locations in Owings Mills. Chana is gifted at assessing the needs of her clients and inspiring people to move ahead in their lives. She also completed additional training this year in the Gottman method, and… If I have a question about the business, Chana is one of the people I ask for ideas!
Sophia Rizvi is very supportive of her clients and has developed a part-time client base for evening/weekend hours just since summer! She has a gift with her individual clients, helping them with improving self-confidence and strategies for reducing anxiety. Sophia is also great with staying on top of things and noticing the details, and she is great with setting her boundaries for a positive work-life balance.
My interns are awesome, especially when you consider they are still wrapping up their classes while seeing clients and doing co-therapy with Dr. Stephanie… Anne-Marie James-Henry has taken on many challenges with her clients and she has been helping many clients to complete their therapy goals. She has a special gift with helping teenagers and young adults, something I admire about her. Domenica has taken the initiative to help with planning out a new website coming in 2020 and has a special gift for Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Domenica is also very detail-oriented and helps me to learn new things and stay on my toes!
My husband has coped with me getting just a little stressed out while navigating all this new growth. So, I must thank him for dealing with me and for reviewing all my business ideas and plans!
So, that’s it. This holiday season, I hope that you also go around the holiday table for Christmas or Hanukah discussing what you are thankful for and what you appreciate about the other members of your family!
I hope you are thankful also for yourself and for whatever gifts have come your way in 2019. Possibly even for your trials and crisis, especially if you have already been able to see how you have turned your crisis into something wonderful. I have several clients who had this kind of change in 2019. Crisis converted into triumph, saying “things are better than they ever were in our marriage, in our family.”
If you are not there, trust me when I tell you that there will be a time in the future when you will be able to see how your crisis of today taught you lessons and helped you transform into a wiser, smarter, better person with more coping skills and relationship strategies… and more empathy for the difficult experiences that others might be going through.
November 4, 2019
Hijacking airplanes, trains, and ships …. That is relatively infrequent these days!!!
Hijacking Relationship Complaints, well that is another story.
Many people are not paying any attention to who makes a relationship complaint first, and they give a defensive response. I call this jumping over the Relationship Repair Counter. Instead of staying behind the Metaphorical Relationship Repair Counter, the person who hears a relationship complaint about their behavior or personality flaw jumps over the counter and files their own complaint.
Except no one is behind the Relationship Repair Counter. Everyone is at the Counter filing complaints and no one is listening… quite literally.
One of my couples started calling this problem “hijacking” each other complaints, which I thought was a hilarious metaphor. (I told them I was going to write a blog post about it). And it’s so true…
For example, let’s say my husband complains about how I am no longer cooking delicious Nebraska farmer’s daughter type dinners like I used to because I am growing my business. He misses those regular meatloaf and mashed potatoes kind of dinners!
Imagine if I were to hijack his complaint and hold him hostage to my own counter-complaint, let’s say I start complaining about how I don’t have time to cook because he is not helping me enough with the kid’s homework. (***None of this is true by the way, this is only a pretend example…)
Now he feels helpless and as if I don’t even care about his concern. I have hijacked his complaint and am filing my own complaint at the Relationship Repair Counter.
However, imagine what happens if I don’t hijack his complaint…
Instead, I listen and say, “You’re right, I haven’t been cooking as much lately. I miss being able to do that. What do you think would fix that?”
This is proper complaint resolution, and he would probably suggest that we pay for some other service that is less important so I will have time to cook at least a couple times per week. Great, now that’s resolved and there was no hijacking, no defensiveness, no fighting…
If you or your family member is in the habit of hijacking complaints and your complaint resolution needs some help, please Reach Out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates today…
October 28, 2019
It was a busy evening at my Relationship Repair Shop…
This is the name I affectionately call my private practice in the suburbs of Washington DC. Although it was over 7 years ago, I still remember the solution-focused approach I creatively tried out with a stuck client.
Influenced by Gottman’s research and writing about predictors for marital failure, I knew that Defensiveness was one of them!
The husband sitting in my office was a very successful small business owner. Yet, when his wife brought up a complaint he looked like a deer in the headlights. Like most people, he appeared as if he had no idea what to do! After overcoming the initial shock of hearing his wife’s complaint, he then became defensive – explaining his mistakes and telling her why she should not be so sensitive!
Instead of taking responsibility, showing value, listening, and finding a resolution…
I am from a business-oriented entrepreneurial family, so I knew that this client probably had the skill set to show value, provide complaint resolution, and find solutions for his customers!
Suddenly, I found myself asking the husband about how he handles his customer complaints and commented on his strengths as a business owner.
The husband quickly gave me the rundown about how he effectively provides customer service. He now appeared confident as he explained how he listens to his customers and shows understanding – then he inquires “What can I do to resolve this?” I asked him if he defends his employees or explains why a mistake was made during customer complaint resolution. Nope, he doesn’t do that with his customer.
In a quick solution-focused move, I asked the client what would happen if he were to use his strengths in business to apply similar complaint resolution strategies with his wife.
A light bulb came on in his head, and we practiced using a customer service response with his wife’s complaint. He resolved her concern; and she felt valued and respected.
Using this solution-focused approach has become my Anecdote for Defensiveness. Gottman’s anecdote for defensiveness is to help a client to take responsibility.
However, I have found that a lot of people struggle with how to take responsibility. This Customer Service solution-focused metaphor gives people an idea of what complaint resolution is supposed to look like. After all, most people have either had to provide Customer Service at some time in their life or they have experienced good Customer Service.
I have a worksheet with six steps that people can walk through in order to take responsibility at the Customer Service Counter for their relationship. What I call the “Relationship Repair Counter” has become a focal point for work with my clients, most of whom struggle with defensiveness to some degree.
Gottman’s marriage research found that good complaint resolution and not being defensive is a predictor for marital success. Likewise, the most successful businesses also have amazing complaint resolution approaches. They are influenced by their customers and show them value.
I have taught workshops and given speeches about the numerous ways that we can translate the concept of business customer service into our personal and workplace relationships for maximum success and value. I construct my Relationship Repair Counter each time I speak, and I love helping my audience to practice role plays whereby they bring up complaints using Soft Start Up methods and then respond to complaints without defensiveness at the Repair Counter.
We all want to be valued in our relationships, and not just our customer relationships. Receiving and providing complaint resolution and finding reconciliation with our helpmate, our family members, and our work team is truly the core of what makes us human. After all, each of us has a deep yearning to know that we are loved and valued… not just when things are good but when we are feeling wounded, hurt, and concerned.
If you need more help with complaint resolution and opening up your Relationship Repair Counter, please Reach Out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates today!
October 24, 2019
Most of my customers tell me at some point in our journey that therapy is work!!! I agree… it is not easy to work on healing your relationships and issues. Many therapists have gone to their own therapist as required by our ethics code, so we completely understand that psychotherapy can be emotionally tiring and mentally difficult for some people. It can be challenging to find extra money to pay for psychotherapy for a process that requires work and emotional discomfort!
However, the Fall is a good time to get in some sessions before the end of 2019 while your costs are lower. Remember, if you have a deductible – that will likely start over on January 1, 2020!
Also, I urge you to remember that therapy is temporary for most people, so you may want to look at if there is a place in your budget where you can cut back for 2-4 months to be able to afford to get the emotional support and help that you need.
In addition, here are some other ways to pay for therapy services
1) If you have a FSA or HSA Card with funds, remember that you can use those funds to cover therapy services.
2) We have helped many people to make progress towards treatment goals even when they can only budget in the cost of one or two appointments per month. If you tell us what your price point is, then we can discuss what your options are.
3) At our office, we have two interns who will see clients on a sliding fee scale for a lower cost. I still supervise the interns, so you still have the benefit of my expertise at a much lower cost!
4) After your first session, ask your therapist for a treatment plan with goals for each session. For many people on a budget, it can help to know that after you have completed four sessions and paid X amount of Dollars certain goals and interventions will have been addressed. We find that when people know what to expect from therapy sessions, they can do a better cost and benefit analysis.
5) Be sure to tell your therapist what your priority goals are, and start with those first. That way, even if you have to take a break from therapy for financial reasons you will have resolved most of your concerns.
To get more information about how you can make therapy sessions a priority without breaking the bank, please Reach Out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates right away!
October 23, 2019
As you know from my homepage at www.drstephanieonline.com, we promote repairing your relationship with self.
Every so often this means some self-care in addition to whatever therapy you are doing. After all, it’s tough to focus on yourself without some TLC and pampering.
Today, I am reflective of the importance of self-care after a much-needed day off. I still took care of some business appointments later in the day, but this morning I had time for kickboxing, sitting in the sauna, a healthy lunch (Southwest Chicken Wrap), and then some shopping for a pair of new fall boots and jeans.
I must plan my self-care on a weekday when my boys are in school, because on the weekend they want my attention and there is always stuff on the calendar!
Most of my days are filled to the brim between household duties, parenting activities, seeing clients and running the business. But this past week I have been getting a little grouchy. Yesterday I snapped someone’s head off when I shouldn’t have. It was time for a day off. Fortunately, I had planned a day without seeing clients today – I was going to use it to get caught up on administrative work but opted instead for a Mental Health Self-Care Day.
A huge sigh of relief when I woke up this morning and remembered it was a day off. I found myself singing along to a tune by later in the morning. Throughout the day, I noticed negative thoughts popping in my head that have been plaguing me. I cleared them out, wrote them down, and planned out what I would like my positive thoughts to be starting ASAP.
Self-care can mean different things to different people. But the goal is about re-connecting with yourself instead of taking care of others or working. Here is my Top 10 List!
- Heated yoga, Zumba, cycling, an exercise class, or walking outside
- Eating a healthy lunch or dinner at a restaurant (I have no problem sitting by myself and thoroughly enjoy my own company)
- Reading a few chapters of a good book (non-therapy related)
- Browsing in Target (without kids or a deadline)
- Organizing a closet or space in my home that hasn’t been touched in a while
- Journaling and writing down my thoughts
- Hot stone massage therapy (have you tried?)
- An episode of Law & Order SVU (new or old)
- Baking a batch of M&M Monster cookies
- And of course, the best self-care = New boots 😊
I am feeling much better, ready to take on another few weeks of the Metro DC rat race.
How about you? When will you be able to make a little time for self-care and what’s on your top 10 list?
If you need to re-focus on yourself, changing out your negative cognitions, and reducing your stress and anxiety, reach out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates today!
October 21, 2019
Unhealthy control can manifest itself in different ways, however in some cases it can be when a parent or spouse or a friend simply will not listen to you.
Some people are so controlling of other people that they will say things such as, “you shouldn’t feel that way” when someone says they are sad. Or when someone orders coffee, they will say “Why would you like a vanilla latte? Vanilla is so boring; you should get chocolate.”
No. No. No.
We are all different and if someone in your life likes vanilla, they are not boring. They are unique and they happen to think vanilla is a wonderful flavor. Accept it. Buy them more vanilla.
A common hurt that people discuss in therapy is the following: “I feel like he or she doesn’t really know who I am, what I like, what I don’t like, how I feel, what my opinions are. When I try to say what I would like he or she don’t listen.” This leads to feelings of helplessness and frustration because we all want our parents, our spouse, our friends to listen and take notice!
Patricia Evans talks about this in her book, Controlling People, which I recommend. (I am an Amazon affiliate and money from books that I promote in my blogs helps to cover my time writing blog posts and content that can be helpful to my clients and followers)
For example, a bride and groom are telling their parents during wedding planning what kind of ceremony they envision. But one of the parents just won’t have it. The parent wants to control the wedding plans instead of listening and really getting to know their child’s likes and dislikes. While the parents should have an influence with wedding planning, they also shouldn’t completely disregard their child’s feelings and wishes. Rather the child’s feeling and wishes should be front and central.
This can be challenging for all of us. Believe me, there are times when my first reaction is that it seems to me that someone in my family should want to make a different choice. Ironically, it’s usually the choice that I think I would make for myself. LOL. We all have the tendency to think our perspective is the best one!
But when it comes to relationships, if you put control onto other people then you are ultimately creating distance in your relationship instead of creating love and intimacy. You are likely creating power battles instead of acceptance and respect.
Intimacy includes really knowing and celebrating the preferences, needs, likes, dislikes, opinions, and feelings of other people.
I urge you to stop telling other people what they should think, like, or feel because they are likely to stop telling you their innermost thoughts and feelings! You are blocking intimacy.
Instead focus on really accepting what people are telling you they are thinking or feeling. This will build your relationship closeness.
If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept you, causing you to feel helpless, we hope you will seek support regarding how to change your relationship patterns. Or if you recognize yourself in these words and want to learn to no longer control the people whom you love, please reach out to one of our Relationship Repair Associates today.
October 11, 2019
We are co-facilitating a Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Support Group at Capital Women’s Care in Maple Lawn. It will be on Mondays at 7:30 pm beginning on November 4, 2019. The group is a nonjudgmental therapeutic support group for Mothers with children 2 and under.
Any mother who is struggling with stress, sadness, or adjusting to the needs of her new baby and family are welcome to attend – there is no need to have a formal diagnosis of postpartum depression or anxiety.
Registration is required in advance of group attendance to best prepare for the needs of all group members.
Supporting new mothers in our community is so important and we are excited to offer this group with the partnership of Capital Women’s Care and Postpartum Support International.
The group will be co-facilitated by Jennifer Riley, the Postpartum Depression Coordinator for Howard County and Dr. Stephanie Weiland Knarr, Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist.